Smart Lovers, Quickies: What the heck do you want from sex?

July 03, 2018  |   Blog   |     |   0 Comment

Every week I talk with clients – men and women who are not very interested in having sex with their current partner; 12 years of marriage, 2 kids, a mortgage, a dream job and everyone’s busted. Stress and busyness keeps our brains and bodies revved up in a state of urgency conducive to action, war and productivity, but not sex.

Sex can happen in 2 ways – the high road or the low road. The high road uses all of our humanness and is not focused on orgasm as the main goal, connection and erotic enjoyment and being in the flow is. We’ve got to be relaxed and alert to do this. Acceptance of our own bodies, sexual turnons, and the courage to display ourselves makes sex worth craving -love making in the purest and best sense of the word.

The low road kind of sex puts the focus on orgasm, getting off, giving your partner an orgasm but not much else. Quickies are okay as long as it’s not the only kind of sex you are having. They can help you sleep, take away some irritation, and build a little connection. But smart lovers loose their desire for this as an ongoing activity.

To create an optimal experience let go of or deal with the annoyances between you. Spend some time in bed with your partner -relaxing; slowing down, talking, reading, listening to music, having your senses titillated till you find a quiet peaceful place in yourself that invites erotic vitality. Then just follow your impulses as best you can, do what gives YOU pleasure !!!! Let your partner see and sense your enjoyment of eroticism and don’t engage in intercourse until you are super turned on- not just wet and not just hard.




  • If you would like to follow up with more information about affairs please read Esther Perel's new book. Some of her ideas are included in ...

    The State of Affairs – Rethinking Infidelity