Sexual Compusivity or Addiction

Do you feel guilty, bad or ugly about the kind of sexual relations you or a loved wants to have or is having? Are you or someone you love doing any of the following things?

* Having sex with a different person in your head than in your bed? Not able to get turned on by the one in your bed?

* Having affairs? Having affairs with people close to your spouse or other family member??

* Performing sexual acts that humiliate you or somebody’s daughter or son???

* Lying about your whereabouts or activities while you are out of town??

* Feeling shame after an activity that you eagerly sought out?

* Breaking the law with prostitutes or massage parlor escorts?

* Unable to curtail internet activities that might get you fired from your job?

* Keeping secret- not private chat room friendships?

* Have you ever been in a car accident or other kind of accident because of your sexual behavior?

 

Many people get hooked on compulsive sexuality that they don’t feel good about AND do not know how to stop doing. This process often happens during adolescence or even earlier when the young, tender brain is subjected to graphic, erotic images that provoke  strong sexual feelings and urges. Since this experience often happens through masturbation alone or in secret with young friends, no adult is around to explain the experience or provide guidance about the purpose of sexuality. Maybe the adults that are around wouldn’t know what or how to explain anything so important as loving another human being.

Early eroticism literally blows the young mind apart. And IF the young person is in a neglectful situation where his/her needs are not being fulfilled by caring adults then this hyper sexual experience can be turned to for support in times of frustration, loneliness or fear. Over time the brain develops an inner library of intense, graphic images that interfere with true intimacy.

Being in the moment with a beloved person takes courage and presence of mind and heart. It is more complicated than one can imagine. If your experience of being loved has some frightening, upsetting, neglectful, shame attached to it, you may have trouble  opening up to the one you purport to love. In order to perform well and experience some closeness with that person, you may have to tune them out and let the fantasies from porn or magazines turn you on. Or you may make a commitment  to love and  honor  that you have no intention or capacity to follow. Getting away with stuff or lying or even hurting the ones you love can become a nasty turn on. A hold over from the betrayals of childhood and adolescence. A gift that keeps on giving.

Successful Type A people that exert tremendous control over many aspects of their life and business can be out of control sexually for many of the same reasons. They do not look as needy or dependent. They are better at faking it and hiding from it.

Spouses of sex addicts have problems also. Their childhoods have neglect, addiction and shame all over too. They pick someone and allow themselves to be picked based on unconscious connections that resonate with their childhood. Both partners need support and help to clear up the wreckage  of addiction.

If any of this describes you or someone you love, you will need a mature therapist skilled in treating and diagnosing  sexual addiction. Jayne Weatherbe has been treating men, women and couples with these difficulties for 20 years. She is compassionate and fair in her sessions to help develop the necessary adult integrity, sense of honesty, honor and appropriate self love, to  resolve the dilemmas of staying married while in early recovery or separating, treating the addiction and co – addiction so it is NOT passed on to the next generation.

 

 

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  • Some questions to consider .