Magnificent Sex – Sharing, Caring and Daring

I want to thank my clients – current, past and future – for their support of my personal and professional growth.  I have been invested in helping people have better sex – not just functional sex, but exciting, interesting soulful sex – for several decades now. I have been reading, researching and attending workshops in the area of sexuality and sensuality all this time. It turns out this research and reading is GOOD for my mental and sexual health too.

Who would’ve guessed it ??? Education in sex and relationships is good for everybody. Many of us keep up to date in our field of work, leisure, sport and musical activity. Why not sexuality ?

A great book has come out recently by two Canadian researchers Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. and A. Dana Menard, Ph.D. from University of Ottawa: Magnificent Sex – Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. Their team interviewed key informants – men and women who were over 60 and had been together for 25 + years, members of a sexual minority groups and sex therapists. These informants came to be seen by the interview team as ” extraordinary lovers.” They had much  to teach us about optimal sexual experiences.

Research into GREAT  sex has not been studied extensively. Problematic sex –  erectile failures, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, lack of orgasm, low sexual desire – has been researched forever.Volumes of advice, both academic and cultural  ( think movies, Cosmopolitan, porn +++ Tips, tricks and toys galore. ), is available anywhere anytime. Sex therapy has focused on the restoration of sexual function.

I had the good fortune of working with sex therapists David Schnarch and Ruth Morehouse early in my career. My sexual education began in earnest  then as we set our sites on grander ” eyes open orgasms” and beyond.

Around that time  my colleagues from the BCAMFT ( British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the Canadian division of AAMFT American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy ) and I conducted a day-long, free  workshop for Valentine’s Day. Five of us took a different topic regarding relationship wellbeing and presented  for an hour. My topic of course was sexuality. I entitled my talk “Sex is Not a Natural Function.” I intended to describe the components of Erotic Sexuality – the attitudes, the characteristics of individuals and couples and  the components of intensely satisfying sexual contact i.e., the work, the determination, the reworking of sexual scripts. In  the press release describing our workshop my talk was changed by SOMEBODY to : Sex IS a Natural Function. ( emphasis is mine ) I was gobsmacked until I realized : this  change illustrated one of the pervasive myths about  sex –  it’s natural, easy, spontaneous. While this is true in some cases, MAGNIFICENT sex  is another “beast.” Under the pressure of regular  life, sex can become routine – an efficient way to ” get the job done” so we can say we had sex.That it is serviceable only is barely noticed.

To get back to the research -all the couples in this study had a certain ” joie de vivre” about all parts of their life. This certainly  informed their sex life. Older lovers were clear that experience and maturity created better love-making despite some serious illnesses and disabilities. The length of the relationship added to the delight and capacity for trust.

Spirituality,  connection and willingness to learn new things about themselves and their lovers replaced performance and physicality.

Great sex did not  have intercourse or orgasm as the main goal. When it happened , it was  more like icing on a cake. All ingredients were  “cooked just right.” Men and women alike were invested in an embodied experience that was just “safe enough.” Or as one of my middle aged clients described her recent experience with her new husband -” sharing, caring and daring.”

In my experience as a therapist, disappointing sex can be transformed. It is good judgment not to want sex that is ho hum. If it’s not worth wanting, it’s not worth wanting.

Remembering  times of intense  sexual longing, envisioning ” our best sex ” and maximizing our mind set can be a path towards erotic willingness. The authors  were not interested in adding to the pressure surrounding sex, they have been clear about the choice and desire to develop the crucial skills.

Stay tuned to this website for more information about these skills.

 

 

 

 

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