As 2025 begins, I am noticing that my clients need a more resilient, generous way of repairing the disharmony they create.

Saying I am sorry is not nearly enough especially if the hurtful remark, the sarcasm, the domineering posture has been ongoing.

We all come into our relationships with character flaws – bad communication habits that came from childhood hurts. Ie.,”  Nobody will ever get close ever again. “ “ I get to tell you everything that I think and feel just like my mother did “

These reactions are defensive in nature  and so automatic we  barely notice the effect on our loved ones or ourselves.

Many folks tell me their anger comes whooshing out before they notice. They believe they have no control. “ It’s just the way I am. “

Changing this perception is  the work of accountability and repair. We cannot be authentic, wise adults  if our self is rooted in immature beliefs.

Becoming conscious of the ways we need to become wiser, more mature, more  adult is the work that I do with my clients.

It requires toleration of discomfort and commitment to becoming  a better version of yourself. Drafting an apology and acknowledgement of wrong doing is a great way to create new neural pathways in the nervous system and create second order change for your relationship and your family.

Christmas is a much happier event when parents can stay grounded, not loose their traditional cool.

When harmony is broken by disharmony, it is important to own up to your own part of that disconnection. It is a one-way street to start.

1. A timeout may be needed to reestablish the mature you and create a  generous apology. When your nervous system is regulated, calmed down and you have a meaningful apology, approach your partner to see if she/he is ready for a conversation.

“ I’ ve got something important I’d like to talk to you about. Is now a good time ?”

 Do not start this till both people are grounded.

2. Acknowledgement of the mis-step.

“ I yelled at you for no good reason in front of our friends. I believe  this is embarrassing and hurtful for you. You may even have felt frightened. I am sorry.

I know this has happened before too many times.And even though I’ve been working on it, here I am again.

It’s a pattern that  needs more and immediate attention,  so I stop hurting you and others.

What can I do  in this moment to help you?”

3. Listen very carefully to the words and do it if possible. Your partner may be in a receptive state and will have some openness to your apology. Or not.

          If not, give this person time to re-establish their equilibrium by staying available and compassionate and in your                  own skin. No hovering. 

4. Please  consider carefully,  communicate and commit to the actions you will now take to address the deeper issues.

 

ie., I will talk to a well-grounded  friend and my support group about this and get their help in containing the nastiness.

 

I will meditate every morning and read motivational information to help me stay present.

          I will talk to a therapist and consider EMDR.