DEMAND OR INVITATION – Putting the X back in SEX
I had a useful experience early in our trip to Turkey. I was seriously jet lagged after 22 hours of no sleep and 17 hours of air time. We were finally settled in our hotel studio, we’d slept a few hours and my lusty husband made a move on me. I was barely awake, slightly comatose and I could’ve kicked him. The sensuous back rub felt like an invasion of my personal space. My body was on pins and needles.
Happily, instead of reacting I was able to contain my irritation and see this as an invitation NOT a demand to pleasure. Pleasure I could not YET accept. Give me a day and some more sleep and I’ll see what I can do!!!!
Invitations are like that. Some are welcomed, some are not and may even be annoying. The sexual ones we want to see in the best light. An opportunity pondered and not to be missed wherever possible
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In families one partner is often more attuned to the children’s needs, the other more invested in the erotic spark. Splitting these roles is not a bad idea until both partners can initiate both the caretaking/family stuff and the erotic/sensual stuff.
Maintaining a boundary around the erotic relationship can be fun, interesting and important for both adults and children.
Keeping your erotic intelligence alive and thriving over the course of your marriage requires initiation of contact, risk in a safe way and negotiation of the invitation to pleasure and play. If you are up to your eyeballs in oxytocin with your children or dead tired from over working it is hard,but not impossible to be sexual.Get help from your partner and your own erotic imagination to make the transition to that magical space called seX.
One partner always is more interested in the sensual stuff while the other has trouble making it a priority.
Important to note that sex is the only thing we do with a committed partner that we do not do with anybody else. [ In the best of all possible worlds ]It is one important way to say we are committed.
” I don’t want you to go anywhere else for gratification and I want this with you too.”
These ideas were developed by Esther Perel. Read her book for more Mating in Captivity
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