Stage 2 The honeymoon is fading

You know your relationship is unfolding as it should when you start to feel disappointed in your partner. When the differences in your sexual desire, needs for attention and affection and many other aspects of living together show up, you are into the next power struggle stage. Everybody gets here. It’s normal. The hormones that helped you pick each other have evaporated and you both are left with your more ordinary levels of energy and happiness. Negotiating and navigating this stage is crucial. “I” messages that are transparent and listening skills that are wholehearted help this stage and the next go more smoothly. Learning about relationships, sexuality, communication skills is essential. Taking responsibility for your side of things and seeing the big picture will help too. Self-soothing is an important skill. So is defining and discussing the kind of relationship you want to have. Here’s a formula :

” Sweetheart there’s something important I’d like to talk to you about. Is NOW a good time for you to listen? ” Yes, no or maybe. If yes, go ahead with the following dialogue. If no or maybe, find a time within 24 hours to have the conversation.Better yet, do this every day.

Speaker says in calm voice a short sentence : ” One of the things I love / like about you is the way you bring me coffee in bed every day. I love starting the day with you like that.”

Listener repeats the comment using exactly the same language : ” One of the things you love about me is the way I bring you coffee in bed every day. You love starting the day with me like that. ” Pause : ” Is there more?”

If you want to get really sophisticated, you can be mindful of the sensations that go with the process. Turn your attention down and into your body and brain. What do you notice about YOU ? When it works well, this attunement will foster a subtle connection between your brain and your heart and your partner’s brain and heart.

Keep going in a similar fashion with positive, admiring, likable, interesting,respectful qualities of your partner. There will be a natural ending.

The listening partner could summarize all the qualities that have been stated.

” In summary I understand that you like, love, respect, admire, or enjoy ……….about me.

 

Here’s my side : ” I really enjoy ……about you. Continue the process with new partner, same formula.

Good luck. This process gets you into a positive mindset, out of disappointment, despair etc.,

Stay tuned for tips on dealing with the tougher stuff in the power struggle stage.

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