The Making of a SEX therapist

As I was walking to work today, I was remembering an early experience of sensual rejection between my parents. I was 13 and my mother was standing at the stove stirring. She was tired, but dutifully making food for the family. My dad burst in the door just after 5:00 PM excited to be home and carrying a package. He rushed over to my mother and hugged her from behind spoon and all. The package fell from his arms and revealed beautiful lingerie. Incongruous in the greasy kitchen. Unfortunately my mother was dismissive of his sexual energy that day. I think his move took her off guard. She shrugged him off, saying his name in the disdainful way we all recognized. A gesture I now recognize as shaming. My dad took this rejection in the stoical way he took many things. Later when heart troubles interfered with his erections, there was silent torment in our household. I was away at university on the long road to becoming a sex therapist.

In my own marriage I stay open to these playful gestures and create some of my own. When I am caught up in some task and my lover makes a move, I may experience irritation or annoyance. I rarely shrug him off. Rather I exercise some choice, switch my brain state to receptive pleasure and lean into his touch.

I encourage couples in my practice to open up to and help create these moments of sensual connection – even in a greasy kitchen. We have 2 choices – RECEPTIVITY or INHIBITION. Good sex requires attention to these opportunities. Erotic sex keeps us alive and thriving.

Naturally the baggage of a couples misunderstandings and hurts must be addressed for these moments to feel safe and enjoyable.

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