From lust to love – The evolution of a passionate kinship

April 10, 2018  |   Blog   |     |   0 Comment

Most everybody worries about their sexuality.

” Am I buxom enough, am I fat?” “My stomach sticks out.”

” I don’t think about sex hardly ever.” ” I think about it ALL the time. ”

“I long to ……..” fill in the blank. Am I normal? Am I attractive? Lovable? Sexy???

The good news is : YES you are normal, even worrying about sex and body image is normal.

We are all unique versions of normal, attractive, lovable and sexy. Our parts are arranged in a similar but different way to everyone else. Hence sexual and sensual pleasure is enhanced differently in each person. This very difference is normal.

One woman may like her clit massaged to have an orgasm ( In fact, this is the most reliable means). Another woman prefers intercourse to reach orgasm. ( Only 30% of women can reach orgasm by this way alone). While still others enjoy a combination of all of this and more..

Every week I speak with couples and individual men and women about sex. Desire or lack thereof is a big topic with my clients and with clients of sex therapy generally.  Many couples mourn the loss of spontaneous, over the top coupling from their early courtship. Many never had that experience and regret it. Others say, “I love her/him, I am just not IN LOVE with her/him any more.”

The reality  is sexual desire changes as couples live, work and age together. In fact, research indicates the human brain is programmed to calm down the lust in relationships and move onto romance and then to a mature loving partnership. (Hint: its Evolution.)

The romantic, lusty notions of sex that movies, novels and especially pornography promote are not the stuff of every day life and love. Adults need to accept and develop their sexual relationship in a conscious, mindful way. Gratitude mixed with in the moment experiencing can make for a wonderful time. Maximizing your sexual potential requires personal knowledge of the sexual, sensual and relationship factors that help you open to sexual ecstasy. Let go of what you think you should be doing and experiencing and notice what is happening. Stay mindful of the pressure, temperature, and texture of your skin and your partner’s skin. Developing this awareness can inhibit the habit that anxious people have : spectatoring ( how am I doing? can she/he see my rolls, what’s that smell ? will this hurt?)

Sometimes couples are not able to set aside their relationship struggles and get together for sex. Sometimes sex can be used  to ease the strain of relationship problems by creating a more generous context to do the dishes, go to work, pick the kids up etc., It is a space we create by our intentions.


Good luck and happy love making!


Please note : using sex to reconnect with a partner after physical or emotional abuse is NOT healthy.This situation needs outside intervention. Talk to a trusted friend or professional about this.



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